Phuket, let's drive!

In the words of Winnie the Pooh, this is a long story, and even longer when I tell it.

Driving in Phuket seemed like such a good idea. It's not Bangkok, the traffic isn't crazy, crazy, crazy (just one level of crazy) and my hotel was only about 1km down the road from work.

There's a work vehicle, so if I crash it, the worst that can happen is that Robbie keeps my salary for the rest of my life, and I get a job cooking muffins in the Brisbane office full-time.

As it turned out, the driving to-and-from work bit was fine - it was on Sunday when I decided to head to the shopping centre I'd read so much about on Phuket.com - Phuket Central Festival - that I got myself into trouble.

It looked pretty straight forward on the map - head down the main road the hotel is on, turn right at some street I can't pronounce, which runs into the street where the giant shopping centre is. I'd been past it before as a passenger, so once I got my bearings I'd be fine.

I did get to the shopping centre without any serious drama, although I ended up driving in through the service entrance at the back, rather than the main entrance like a normal tourist. I still don't know how that happened.

I wandered, I shopped, I had a latté (can someone please tell Thailand what a flat white is?) and I decided at 12pm that it was time to make a move back to the office to drop the car off, so I'd be back at my hotel in time for my 1pm airport transfer.

What I hadn't noticed on the way to the shopping centre was that some of the streets were one way (it's hard to tell over here OK?!). This meant that I couldn't simply follow the same route I'd taken to get there. I had to deviate.

No biggy - I figured that I'd just follow the signs to Phuket Town (where the office and hotel are located) and I'd recognise some roads, and David wouldn't have to sit in this little car for over an hour hurling abuse at the town planners of Phuket.

That's where I was wrong.

Every street I drove down, I would come to a point where I thought, "oh, I know where I am", and dutifully take the direction my brain told me was correct. Wrong. After 35 minutes, I ended up back at the shopping centre. So I followed the same route again, only this time taking care to drive what I envisaged would be parallel to my original route. Wrong.

At one stage, I even got back onto the road that the office is on! There was much joyous singing and celebrating in the confines of that little car (Jazz never sounded so good!) as I drove down Thepkasatri Road. But alas, the party was short-lived, as Thepkasatri Road turned into Phuket Road and I drove down the same street I had been in three times already.

At last, after dodging left where I had previously veered right, I found myself a mere 20-30 metres from the office, and at about 1.30pm I locked the car and raced to the office foyer to return the keys to the weekend CS staff.

Naturally, being a Sunday, the elevator was away visiting relatives down the coast, so I had to run up four floors to get to the front door. My Phuket swipe card would not let me into the office, because this was a secure workplace on the weekend, and I had no business there.

By this stage, my nerves were a little frazzled. I couldn't help thinking about my driver who may, or may not, be waiting for me at the hotel 1km down the road.

I rang the doorbell which summoned one of our champion Phuket Customer Service staff, whom I have never met before, and who no doubt was wondering why this farang was ringing her doorbell on a Sunday when she had work to do.

I reached into my pocket and grabbed the keys and handed them to her with my swipe card saying - in my best Thinglish - "For Khun Tasnee". She nodded and repeated "Khun Tasnee". I thanked her in Thai, and exited the building as fast as I could.

This was about the time that I discovered that the proliferation of taxis and moped taxis in Thailand is unique to Bangkok. I walked (very quickly) all the way to the hotel without seeing a single taxi, or person who might be cajoled into giving me a ride.

I got to the hotel, asked if a driver had been for me and they said no. The desk staff offered to call me a taxi for the airport, to which I heartily agreed.

As it turned out, taxi here referred I think to a friend or family member who owned a car. When he arrived at 1.50pm, the driver asked me what time my flight left, and when I told him 3pm, he gave me a look and said "you not much time". I couldn't have said it better myself.

He was very nice, and we chatted all the way to the airport about his family and my family and what it was like living in Bangkok, which is where he was born.

At one point he asked me "OK I speed?", and used the internationally recognised hand signal for pushing the accelerator flat to the floor. "Sure, if you like." I'm not sure if that word choice would get me off on a technicality in court or not. Sean?

To cut this long story short:

• I arrived at the airport and stood in line to check in - my flight was delayed by almost an hour so there was no real rush after all;
• traffic from the airport in Bangkok was terrible so I sat in a taxi for about an hour and a half listening to Thai talkback radio;
• I arrived back at my apartment only to find that I couldn't get in because I had given the wrong set of keys to the smiling CS staff member in Phuket;
• I had to mime leaving keys in Phuket and not being able to get into my apartment to the security guard;
• I had to explain leaving keys in Phuket and not being able to get into my apartment over the phone to the building manager who speaks no English;
• I had to wait for the caretaker to let me in with a master key;
• I then went to bed wondering how I was going to lock my front door when I left in the morning.

And all because I decided to drive in Phuket. Next time I'll walk.

D.

PS. I received a very nice email on Monday morning from the airport transfer company apologising for not being there to pick me up at 1pm, as they thought my pick-up time (and not my flight time) was 3pm. I told them, no harm done - don't worry about it.

Don't poo-poo Phi Phi

Phi Phi Island. It's a beautiful place. Beaches, rock outcrops, cliffs, and jungle, all thrown together into the beautiful warm blue waters of the Andaman. With tourists as far as the eye can see.

I've been to places with a a lot of tourists before - Great Barrier Reef tours, The Coca-Cola factory in Atlanta, Bondi Beach - but never in such numbers.

My speed boat tour to Phi Phi islands happened on a miserable, wet, rainy day in March, after a full week of unseasonal rain in Phuket. And still the tourists came out.

On a good day in peak season, it's apparently hard to see the beach for all the tourists looking at the beach. I can believe that.

Does the tourism spoil the experience? Well, not completely. You have to shut out the hords (one of whom, is you) converging on beach after beach in turn. One speed boat full of farangs (and whatever the word for non-white farangs is) from around the world pulls out while another waits to take its place.

You just have to step back, and see the beauty. You have to look past the cigarette butts, empty coke bottles, and roaring marine engines to look at why all these people are here. A place of natural beauty, with the people of the "land of smiles" as its caretakers.

I saw the famous limestone cliff islands, long-tailed macaques, clown fish, sea cucumbers, and beneath it all, a reef still recovering from a tsunami most of the world has left behind.

They talk of the tsunami - of its devastation, the people killed, the height of the wave, where it hit, what they were doing when the three waves came. Our guide, Mr Boy, told us that when someone called him to tell him to stay away from the beach because a tsunami was coming, his response was "what's a tsunami?" He knows now. We all do.

I was disappointed not to go to the last stop on our tour, and visit the tsunami museum. The other farangs on our tour were feeling wet and miserable and wanted to go home early. I caved to peer pressure. 31 against 1 isn't very good odds.

So to wrap it all up - I loved the islands. They were amazing, and I would like to visit again. I would not like to be a tourist again.

The low-point in the trip was sitting in the speed boat, among a few Russians, one or two Britts, a Dutch couple and the balance of Aussies, and having the Australian compatriate next to me equate one of our flamboyantly gay guides with being a "kiddy fiddler", presumably because he was flamboyantly gay.

This is a beautiful, welcoming place you have here Thailand; please don't let us tourists take over.

D.

Banging on about Bangla Road

Up until now, this blog has been PG-rated - as in, no graphic or what may be considered adult's only content, I don't mean "rated Pretty Good".

This is where I need to touch on some racier topics, so if you're easily offended or don't want to lose your image of me as a sweet, innocent, 42-year-old, then perhaps you can skip to the next article where I document some of Phi Phi islands wildlife, and not Patong Beach's nightlife. You will however, miss a great restaurant review - it's up to you.

OK. All of that said, it's not like I was running naked down the main tourist strip of Patong. You need a licence for that sort of thing, or at least an understanding with some of the local law enforcement representatives.

My guide on this mid-week sojourn into Phuket's most famous (sometimes infamous) street was an expert. A man who has lived here for about 16 years, and actually gets paid by some crazy company to write about and review this area of Thailand (along with others) so that people all around the world will know what to expect when they get here. Where to go, where not to go, and how to avoid buying a round of drinks for everyone in the bar. All good stuff to know.

We started our night in Patong with a visit to the legendary Sea Hag restaurant, recommended by several locals, including our guide. The food was stunning. I can't remember how many different dishes we had, or what their Thai names were, but I have not had better seafood in Thailand.

We looked at menus for ten minutes or so, and when we were ready to order, or host, Khun Kenya, ignored all our selections, and chose a veritable smorgasboard of Thai dishes that were so full of flavour and all so different. Some were spicy, but none painfully so.

Baked whole fish in tamarind, mixed seafood cooked in a claypot, a fish mousse, and huge prawns wrapped in super thin noodles and deep-fried. Wow! And for us, a very cheap feed indeed. I hate leaving food on a plate, and will often stuff myself so food doesn't go to waste (but instead to my waist) - but there was no way I could eat another mouthful, and some of our security guards got some great leftovers that night.

With our taste buds truly satiated, it was time for a full-on assault of our other senses. The sights, sounds, and yes, smells of Bangla Road.

I've never seen so many Australians in one street before. It was like being a kid lost at Sydney's Royal Easter Show again. Of course there were also Britts, Russians, Americans, those from the Middle East, and various other assorted nationalities.

All in one main street - and its various sois - being coaxed into bars, urged to look at menus of the performances available in some of those bars, and huddling around groups of katoey (lady boys) to take photos. You could also purchase various fluorescent toys that flew into the air, wooden frogs that croaked when you stroked their back, tailored suits, DVDs, and the usual cacophony of special offers available to the tourist in Thailand.

How could I describe the scene for you? If you took the cars out of Kings Cross in Sydney and made it for pedestrians only, took out any of the legitimate cafes and other businesses that might operate there during the day and replaced them with bars that have no walls and instead just have bars with seats and bands playing and girls dancing on the bars, and then added about 100 times more people than you get on an average Saturday, swapped the risk of getting stabbed for your wallet with the risk of getting fleeced of the money in your wallet, and put smiles on everyone's faces, than that's pretty much what it's like.

Actually, it's not. I suspect there's nothing like Bangla Road in all the world. It has it's own attraction for some - clubs, shows, girls, lady boys, cheap knock-offs of everything from designer jeans to stun guns... And for others the exact same list would make them want to stay away, or condemn those who work and make their living here. I wonder what Fred Nile would do in a place like Bangla Road? Anyway, I digress.

As a sample, we had our first drink at an ice bar. There's plenty of these around in a lot of cities. Everything is made of ice including the glasses, it's very cold, and you drink vodka shots.

This ice bar turned out to be the freezer room at the back of another bar, where you paid to step out of the hot and humid night air, and into about -15C. We were given drinks in glasses made from ice, which we were told we had to smash against the concrete floor. That was how we started.

It was a truly memorable experience. I've been to bars before, but Bangla Road has a life and spirit of its own. Its not just that there's bars where weird stuff happens, it's that they're all here in one place and everyone knows about it. So everyone comes. Tourists mostly.

In one bar, I even questioned my command of English (let alone Thai), when I order a vodka, lime, and soda, and received a soda, lime, and soda. Or maybe they have that special Thai vodka that tastes like water. Same price though.

The word "exploitation" crept into my head a couple of times as we walked around. But it was more of a question than a comment. I'm not being deliberately naive, but I didn't see unhappy people on either side of the bar, or on the bar. Going back to the Kings Cross parallel, there is a note of desperation there. The stench of drugs and other addictions seep out from behind the lights and glitzy veneer, so you know it's false.

Here there is no veneer. There it is as you walk down the street in front of you - the question is asked in a thousand different ways: "Is this what you want? Well here it is."

I'm not ignorant of the fact that there have been many cases, recent cases, of child and female exploitation in and around Thailand. But so too in Australia, and Britain and America...

Like the beaches and the amazing natural beauty in this country, the tourists come for this, and the tourists spend a lot of money because of this.

D.

A word on Patong

Last night was my first night ever in Patong, so I feel I have to say something.

Wow.

There was so much happening, I don't know where to start. So I won't.

I'm out on a tour to Phi Phi Islands tomorrow, so I'll have the whole day to process my Patong experience. So watch this space ...

D.

My Phuket shower experience

This is just a quick post to vent my frustration with the shower in my Phuket hotel room. I'm having trouble enjoying my showers here, and not for any of the reasons you're probably thinking someone might not enjoy a shower in Phuket.

I work in a team called User Experience and Innovation — part of our job is to take care of the little things that some people over-look until they're not there, or they don't work properly.

Like search and booking functions on a website, proper design and layout, and muffins on a Monday morning. You don't notice they ain't there until they ain't.

Well the shower in my room here Phuket — a lovely room by the pool, where they fold your towels into elephant shapes — is neither innovative, nor conducive to a pleasant user experience.

The shower head itself is fine — the general hand-held hose attachment you would use to easily apply water where it's needed. However the bracket that it is supposed to sit in to give you a worry-free and hands-free shower experience, makes the shower head point directly out at your face.

Even if you duck, or stand to one side of the shower head, the water then shoots out past your head, against the back wall of the bathroom, soaking everything that gets in its path.

I haven't yet come up with a solution (no pun intended), besides holding the shower head under my arm, or turning the taps off every time I want to go hands-free.

I'd appreciate any tips from seasoned travellers who may have similar bad user experience in non-innovative showers.

And for those who are disappointed because you were expecting to see photos of me in the shower, these are for you.

D.

Cheaper than chips

If you've never been to Thailand before, but have heard stories about how cheap it is, I'd like to try to convey something of the reality of this for you. Allow me to use two common scenarios to illustrate.

Think about the last time you caught a taxi to the airport in a major Australian city - Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane - take your pick (my apologies to our West Coast readers - I'm not being deliberately Coastist, I just have no recent experience of catching taxis in Perth).

Say you're in the Harbour City, staying with friends around the Eastern Suburbs, or Northern beaches (hi Anthony! Hi Lisa!); or you're at West End or Coorparoo in Bris Vegas (hi Nikki, howdy Burgo); or you're holidaying in charming St Kilda (no friends there yet, but I'm working on it). Now imagine you arrive at the airport, and you hand the cabbie a $50 note.

If you're in Brisbane, you may get away with it, depending on what the traffic and roadworks were like on the day. If you're in Sydney or Melbourne, you'd be lucky to get out of the cab alive.

Now take that same 30-45 minute ride in Bangkok, from Sukhumvit or Siarm. You hand the driver a 1,000 Baht note (about AU$35) and you'll get an objection just as vigorous, albeit less violent, though for the opposite reason.

He can't possibly give you change from a 1,000 for the 2-300 Baht fare (about AU$7-10). You better come up with something smaller or you'll be giving him a very large tip (snaps to Kirsty by the way, who told me to make sure I had some small change in Baht for the taxi when I arrived in Bangkok - thanks pet!).

My second scenario was lunch on Friday. Five of us from the office went to a local food market. Picture the food court in your local shopping centre on a busy Saturday, but replace all the Maccas, greasy fish and chips, and over-priced Chinese buffets with local vendors, all making fresh Thai dishes from scratch. Woks, charcoal grills, clay pots and freshly chopped fruit everywhere.

It cost the five of us $11, including drinks. Total, not each. And there was food left on the plate because we were all full.

I kind of feel sad for everyone in the Brisbane office today deciding whether to save money by getting a $7 subway special.

Kind of...

D.

A path for my feet

Philosophically, I am opposed to the encroachment of US English into the Australian vocabulary. But I have to say that in Bangkok, "sidewalk" is a much more appropriate term than "footpath".

There are very few roads that have any sort of path for either foot, let alone both feet. Most of the time, you just walk to the side of whatever thoroughfare you are on.

As soon as you turn off the main road and onto a Soi (small street), you find yourself dodging and weaving, trying to stay out of the way of on-coming, off-coming, sideways coming traffic, and there may or may not be a raised area at either side of the Soi for you to walk on.

Even if there is, this sidewalk will be broken in places, non-existent in others, and when it is in good repair, you will still have to wander onto the road at times to avoid food vendors, parked motorbikes, and scuffling stray dogs.

Even sidewalk doesn't really cover it, because where it does exist, it's not just used for walking. On main roads, where there is what you may consider to be a dedicated footpath, you will have to share this with scooters and mopeds ferrying people to work or the train.

On several occasions I have been beeped at (it's more of a beep than a honk usually) to get out of the way, because I wasn't looking behind me to see whether a motorbike needed to get past me on the footpath. Sidewalk. Raised concrete area at the side of the road for pedestrians, street vendors and motorbikes. Doesn't really roll off the tongue does it?

The other problem I've encountered as I walk the streets (whether on the side or not) is that even though they drive on the left-hand side of the road in Thailand, they appear to walk on the right-hand side. If I'm passing someone coming the other way, my natural instinct is to move to the left, but they move to the right - which of course is my left - and while we do a little dance, nobody makes a little love, and nobody gets down tonight.

I just end up trying to remember how to say sorry before they move on, and am left mumbling something that probably translates into Thai as "no horse biscuits for me please".

The really surprising thing again is that it all just works. No-one is shouting at anyone else to get out of the way, there aren't thousands of daily traffic casualties, and people still get where they're going.

My Thai isn't very good (nit noi), but I haven't once heard someone yell "Hey! I'm walkin' here!"

D.

In the words of Arnie, "Two weeks"

Today marks two weeks since I arrived in Bangkok. Two weeks!

I was such a noob then. But now, the seasoned traveller who can order food, make a taxi driver understand where I want to go, and mime washing clothes so that the security guard shows me where the laundry is.

There are, however, certain things I'm discovering that I simply did not bring with me, that would make life easier. Here's my list so far of things that I didn't bring. You may like to jot these down should you ever move somewhere for three months.

1. Can opener. Though my small utility tool will pierce the top of a spaghetti sauce can.
2. Cereal bowl. The little ornate Thai dish that came with the apartment is nice, but not practical.
3. Bread knife.
4. Power plug adapter. I know!
5. Bath mat.
6. Toilet roll holder. It's all about the hose in Thailand.
7. Laundry basket.
8. Coat hangers.
9. Umbrella and/or rain coat.
10. Enough clothes that it doesn't look like I'm wearing the same five ensembles every week.

You see, three months is kind of an in-between stay. It's not quite a short holiday and it's not quite moving in either. I guess Bangkok and I are still checking each other out to see if we like each other before we make any long-term plans.

Pretty soon I'll have to have that conversation about seeing other people...

D.

I love the smell of Bangkok in the morning

There's a funny smell coming from my sink. Not funny in a ha-ha kind of way, but funny in a "holy crap what's that smell!?" kind of way.

It's the smell anyone who's been to Bangkok will tell you about. For those of you who haven't been to Bangkok, here's how you can make your very own Bangkok smell at home!

First, don't put your rubbish bin out for about two weeks.
Next, install your own grey water system in the kitchen, so that your used washing up water and vegie strainings are stored in an outside container.
When two weeks are up, mix the bin contents with the grey water and leave sit in the middle of the yard, preferably in direct sunlight.
For best effect, leave down-wind from an open window.
Wander through your house, and at random times, if you close your eyes, it's just like being in Bangkok. Enjoy!

[walks to sink] Here's one I prepared earlier...

Don't get me wrong, it's not a totally evil, suffocating smell, it's just a "something's off" smell. Every now and then when you're stepping over a drain, or walking past a particular spot on your soi (street), you'll get a little taste of it. Just to remind you where you are, and who's boss.

Well that's the smell that's coming from my sink.

I have opened the cupboard to see what's under the sink. There's a big plastic box with lots of pipes going into it and, presumably, out of it as well. I'm assuming this is some kind of water/garbage filter device. There's no disposal switch or other such electronic gizmo. Not that I can find a switch for, anyway.

Perhaps it's like the Flintstones and there's a sort of lizard living in the box munching on the scraps and bugs that fall down my sink.

Well I think the lizard is unwell. But I'm not game to open the box and find out for fear this would only antagonise the smell. If I don't bother the smell, perhaps it won't bother me.

Or maybe it's time to increase my language skills and find out how to say "can you take a look at my sink please" in Thai.

D.

Making Aussie breakfast in a Thai kitchen

Step 1 - preparation the day before

As you haven't yet been able to get a good supply of drinking water, boil the tap water rapidly for at least 10 minutes in your wok or saucepan. Allow this to cool, and fill random bottles and jugs to store in the fridge.

Step 2

As you don't have a kettle, pour some of the prepared drinking water into a cup, and microwave this cup on high for about 2 minutes. Test water temperature with finger, and either curse loudly, or return the cup to the microwave until the water is hot enough.

Step 3

Allow tea to steep, though because cup is quite small, it will reach desired strength quite quickly, so set tea bag aside to use again in your next cup of tea (mum and dad, I'll never laugh at you re-using your teabags again!).

Step 4

Add milk and sugar to taste. Drink while preparing toast.

Step 5

Look at your crockery and cutlery collection - realise that Thai people don't use knives with their meals, so you don't actually have a knife anywhere in the apartment.

Step 6

Take your gourmet muesli loaf, and tear it into desired-size chunks.

Step 7

Remember that you got a small wooden knife complimentary with your bottle of jam, so attempt to use that to "slice" the loaf.

Step 8

Place on rack thing in microwave convection oven, and set to grill mode, marked as "ย่าง" on the microwave. You know this because of the red heaty thing icon, not because you can read Thai.

Step 9

Pull out what would be described in any five-star restaurant as "rustic hand-torn fruit toast", lavish with freshly opened fruit conserve, and eat with your, by now cold, tea.

Aroi!

D.

The people in your neighbourhood

Today, walking not far from my apartment, I came across what I can only describe as slums. The unmistakable ramshackle homes, built one on top of the other, out of whatever wood, iron and other materials you can get your hands on.

I'm not sure I was ready for that.

I've seen the beggars on the street and the falling down empty buildings, but this was no remote village in the jungle or African dessert like we see on ads at home; this was a whole neighbourhood of people, existing in small single room shacks, just off a major arterial road, 10 minutes' walk from Sukhumvit - the main road through town.

Confronting. In the grand scheme of all that's in Asia, I'm sure it's a drop in the ocean, and not really all that bad in terms of having shelter and access to a means to make a living (the big city).

I'm sure Asia has many more sights to shock my delicate western sensibilities, but I'm still moved by this one.

D.

Lucky number 9

In Thai culture nine is lucky. It means to move forward, so it's connected to prosperity, and advancement.

My stay in Bangkok is off to a good start - I moved into my new apartment, which is on the ninth floor, yesterday on 9 March, and signed my contract about 9 o'clock. Bring on the prosperity!

Mind you, on my way to the apartment - in fact, right out front of the apartment - my cab driver decided he'd take a look through my bags while I was getting change for him. Everything was still there, so clearly nothing he saw interested him.

My new apartment is pretty cool. Small, but cool (I have to stop using that word in Thailand - it's quite hot actually). It's brand new - I'm the first person to stay in this apartment. en suite bathroom, air con, about 70 channels of quality cable entertainment (most of it in Thai), faux gold curtain rod ends, and a brand new mattress made out of recycled concrete.

I like it. It's nothing special, but it's my first overseas address, and it means that I belong here now. This Soi is my home.

Yesterday was also my seven year anniversary in this job - the longest I've worked anywhere. That feels kind of lucky too.

To celebrate, I caught my first moto-taxi to work this morning. It's not that far from the office - I've walked it in about 20 minutes - but I don't like walking into the office sweating like an angry hippo with a hernia. It's not the impression I'm hoping to leave of my visit to Bangkok.

For those who've never been to Bangkok before, moto-taxis are small motorbikes - usually mopeds - that helpful Thais in orange vests let you climb on the back of, so that they can take you to your destination. You can go anywhere from just down the street to the train station, to across town if you're game.

There are two benefits to the moto-taxi: 1. they are cheap (you can get a lift down the street to the train station for the equivalent of about 35 cents Aussie); 2. they are super fast because road rules appear not to apply to them.

Benefit number 2 means that they weave in and out of traffic, across lanes, onto footpaths, even into on-coming traffic, all in the name of getting you to your destination as speedily as possible.

So how did my first moto-taxi ride go? Something like this:
"Weeeeeee! Ahh - Aaaahhhhhhh!! Weeeeeeeee!"

Guess which bit I had my eyes open for?

As with a lot of things here, sometimes, it's best not to know what's really going on, put your head down, and hold on. I stepped off the moped in one piece about two minutes after leaving the front of my apartment. Worth every Baht!

D.

PS. Mum, if you're reading this, I just made that last bit up for the blog OK? It didn't really happen.

I had my eyes open the whole time...

The good book and anarchy on the streets

He who hesitates is lost.

It says that in the "good book" somewhere - I can't remember where, but I'm sure the Lord was trying to cross a street in Bangkok when he said it.

I discovered on my way to the office this morning that even a pedestrian crossing doesn't mean that you can cross the road without dodging traffic. I say dodging, because if I'd waited for a break in the traffic to cross, I'd still be standing there.

Another saying you might apply to the roads in Bangkok is "The rules are, there are no rules!" Motorcyclists without helmets, cars turning in front of other cars when they're tired of waiting (as opposed to having right of way), motorcyclists going the wrong way down the street, motorcyclists riding on the footpath ...

But no-one seems to care. The lack of a system works, because there is no system. Everyone knows there are no rules, so everyone's happy. It's an anarchist's dream.

There are police though. They direct traffic here and there, though even they don't seem to bother when a random motorist flaunts the rules or turns when he hasn't been waved through. Though the guide books tell us that it's one thing for your locals to go whizzing around without a helmet on, or piling their family of six onto a Vespa, but if the paisty tourist tries it on, they might find themselves slapped with a fine.

And fair enough I think. You don't want every half-wit Aussie who's ever wanted to tear around the streets without a helmet on and four of his mates on the back of a Honda turning up to your country, do you? Oh - too late.

Here's my random Thai fact for today, which I learnt studying a wonderful website called www.Phuket.com: It's very offensive to show your feet - or to do anything other than walk or stand, with your feet - I already knew that. But because of this, it's drastically offensive to stomp on a 1000 Baht note that you've dropped and is flying away down the street! Why? Because like all Thai money, it has a picture of the King on it! And showing disrespect to the Thai Royal Family is a crime.

A little different from the stuff we throw around about Charles, Camilla, Fergie and the rest of them.

D.

It's yoghurt Jim, but not as we know it

Everything is different over here. Take my lunch for example: a roasted (not just roast) beef sandwich and a tamarind yoghurt.

I liked the idea of the tamarind yoghurt, and indeed, the tamarind portion of said product was very nice. But the yoghurt (the larger portion of the serving) was unlike any yoghurt product I had hitherto experienced.

It wasn't unpleasant, just watery. It kind of reminded me of the Junket mum used to give me - presumably as some sort of punishment - when I was a youngster. But tangier.

I guess, from a marketing point-of-view, "Tangy Tamarind Junket" just may not sell as well as "Tamarind Yoghurt", but I'm guessing it's an untested market.

The roasted beef sandwich was a lot more sandwich-like than the yoghurt was yoghurt-like, but the term "roasted" clearly referred to some sort of Thai roasting process that doesn't involve actually cooking the meat very much. Again - nothing nasty about it, just different.

Now to the language, because I know you're all wondering how I'm going learning Thai, and how I'm getting by while I'm in the process of learning Thai. Well, my Thai skills were summed up by a taxi driver last night: "nit noi" meaning I have "a little bit" of Thai (meaning bugger all).

At the moment, my confidence in speaking Thai is pretty low. I've got a couple of phrases down (hello, thank you, yes, no) and the numbers, but I'm not confident with my pronunciation, so I tend to mumble and nod, and hope they understand what I mean.

The hardest part is understanding someone else when they ask or tell me something. It takes my brain a little while to match the Thai to the English in my head. I'm still a baby at this, so it's like I'm still using my fingers to count - only I'm using wobbly bits of my brain to match Thai words to English.

Today was the hottest day I've had so far. So of course, I wore a thick long-sleeve shirt, and walked through the city for about an hour in the middle of the day. Derr. I needed a shower when I got home from work today.

On the happy side of things, I put a deposit on the cloud apartment today, and I move in on Wednesday! Yippee! So my address will be somewhere in Soi Nai Loet (also spelled Nai Lert, or Nailert - don't get me started).

Provided, of course, that I come up with the cash on Wednesday to take possession of said apartment. Apparently, using credit cards for payment of large sums of money is not common practice, so instead, one must carry three months worth of rent in cash.

I'm looking forward to having a Bangkok address by the end of this week. Thanks to all my fans who posted comments about which apartment would be better and gave me such encouragement. (I'm being sarcastic by the way).

D.

Chatting about Chatuchak

Today we hit Chatuchak (จตุจักร) markets. Although, when I say hit, I don't think we even left a mark, let alone made a dent on this place. It was certainly no knock-out blow.

If you're from Australia, and are used to places like Brisbane weekend markets, Eumundi markets on the Sunshine Coast, or even the old Paddy's Haymarket in Sydney, multiply that by about 10,000 and squeeze it into about the same space and you may have some notion of what this place is like.

We walked half the day and didn't see one quarter of what this place has. And it has everything.

Art, clothing, shoes both new and second-hand (second-foot?), bags, kitchenware, food, squirrels in bow ties and hats, puppies, pet paraphernalia, jewellery, trinkets, carvings, watches, phones, muay thai artifacts, and a life-size metal statue of the Predator. And that's just the bit that we saw.

Add to that 20 train-loads of people arriving every hour. It's a happening place. Always something happening.

I bought a colourful yellow shirt with a scene of Asian children playing in the water (see my photos on the home page), and a T-shirt with a chimp's face. I feel like I'm contributing positively to the Thai economy.

Oh, and I think I'm going to go with the apartment on Soi Nai Loet (the one next to the cloud). I'll let you know how I go.

D.

PS. Have set up a Thinglish Treasures pagefor your edification.

Living on the edge of the cloud

OK people, I'm trying to get this decision sorted in my head, so I thought if I shared it with my friends and family... They say a problem shared is a problem halved, so if I share it with the potential MILLIONS who read this blog, my problem will be so small I won't even know it's there. Seems logical to me.

Potential address No. 1

View Larger Map

According to Google, there's a giant cloud that has permanently descended on this part of Bangkok. No matter how much you zoom in, there it is. I didn't notice it when we were walking down the street, but my mind was on other things.

This is a lovely apartment. Fairly new, comes with modern appliances and furnishings, nice bathroom and kitchen, and there is a pool, spa, sauna and gym on the roof. THB27,000 per month. Very close to work, but not close to some of the other things that I might want to do on evenings and weekends - such as eat, shop, etc.

Potential address No. 2

View Larger Map

The problem with Light House apartments on Soi 22 is that, from what I gather, it's too far down the Soi, and you don't want to be walking that far to the BTS (train) in the middle of Bangkok's summer.

The apartment itself is great - not huge, but 1 bedroom, reasonable kitchen, tiny bathroom, and a close-up view of Soi 22's electrical cabling, should I ever want to take up a DIY course to become an electrician. It doesn't have a pool, but it does have a fitness room up six flights of stairs (no lift), which kind of does away with the need for a fitness room really, when you think about it.

The bonus with this one is that everything is already there and already included in the price - sheets, towels, crockery, cutlery, saucepans, wireless internet, and someone who will come and swap my sheets and towels for fresh ones twice a week. Hopefully not while I'm using them at the time.

"Tell us price" I hear you all chant as one. THB26,000 per month.

OK, so got that? Cheaper, more convenient in terms of stuff in the apartment, less convenient in terms of location, less fun in terms of stuff in the building.

Potential address No. 3

View Larger Map

Welcome to Soi 26. This was the pick of the bunch in terms of apartment.

It's large - the separate bedroom has a desk and work area - the décor is a lovely French colonial style with chandeliers and the bathroom is a good size. The kitchen is it's downfall. Or it's lack of kitchen more precisely. I think there was one or two hot plates. That's it. It does have it's own washing machine though.

Also, it doesn't come with any crockery, cutlery, cooking implements, or linen. It has a lovely pool and gym, and a laundry room. Wireless internet is trés expensive.

It's very close to the BTS - walking distance if I really wanted to be crazy - and also to shopping centres, street food and restaurants.

All this could be mine for a mere THB28,000 each and every month.

So now you see what I'm working with, what do you think? I need some objective opinions. All comments graciously received.

Oh, and before you ask, I don't think any of them allowed pets, so I won't be rescuing any soi dogs and bringing them home.

D.

Heat? What heat?

It's definitely muggier here in Bangkok, but roasting hot? Not yet.

There's been cloud cover for my first two days in Bangkok, so it's been relatively cool. I still work up a sweat walking down the street, but nothing like I was expecting. "Just wait", Matt tells me.

I've been looking at places to stay today - condos, apartments, flats. About halfway through the expedition I was feeling a little overwhelmed. This is a very different place.

Little streets (soi) everywhere; giant highrises next to delapidated weatherboard houses; trying to listen to Thai and understand what people are saying; converting Baht to Aussie Dollars in my head wherever I go...

I think I just need a little lie down.

A nice quiet evening, a good sleep-in tomorrow, wander around the city and I'll be ready to think about where I want to live for the next 3 months.

But it's the people who make this place - you could live anywhere with these beautiful people.

Kop khun krub.

D.

Nowheresville

So I'm literally in the middle of nowhere.

My flight boards in about 15 minutes, technically I've left Australia, but I'm not yet in another country. Limbo land. Nowheresville.

I'm surrounded by pictures of women popping champagne bottles and spraying seductive perfume, and celebrities wearing expensive watches. Duty Free beckons.

Apparently, I can also get a complete Thai experience meal from Coffee Club for only $14.95! From what I've heard, that seems a little expensive.

The real problem is I never plan ahead. That's always my problem. I'm sitting here, unsure of what to think or how to feel about living in Thailand for the next 3 months and then spending a month touring the Mekong and South-East Asia.

Happy? Worried? Nervous? Excited?

It was the one question everyone has been asking me for the last couple of weeks: "Are you excited yet?"

I think I am - but also a little nervous. A little worried Thailand won't be what I thought it would be, and more than a little nervous that I won't be everything Thailand thought I would be!

But I'll find that out when I get there. I'll just get there one step at a time, one air mile at a time, one taxi ride at a time, one greeting at a time, and before I know it, I'll be back at Brizzy airport walking off the plane wondering what happened to my time overseas.

That's life.

D.

PS. I know I said my next post would be from Thailand - sorry. Disappointment is also part of life. :)

Leaving, on a jet plane

I'm off! My flight leaves this afternoon.

I've been packed for two days, and I'm pretty sure I've got everything ready to roll.

My next post will be from Thailand - talk to you all soon!

D.