Language update

I make a living out of the English language. Correcting, suggesting, creating - so it's very frustrating to feel so out of my depth with this new language, and to be powerless as a communicator. I have gone back to square one and had to start from scratch with this language that is so different from my own.

The different tones are the problem - not the tones themselves, but the innate cultural barrier to using alternating tones when you speak. It's very hard for an Australian male to use expressive tones at all, let alone varying tones from word to word. About the most you get is something at the end of a sentence such as: "Bloody 'ot, eh?" We don't naturally raise and lower our pitch in the one word - and certainly not several times in the one sentence.

When I was staying in Phuket, I would tell people I was staying at the Phu-ke-ta hotel. Thai people couldn't understand what I was saying. I would point to the name - and they would say "Ohh, Phu-ke-taar!" That's what I said.

If you order a Coke, you have to say "Cooooohhc" with a rising intonation and a very slight "c" sound on the end - not a hard "k" as we know it. Even Singha beer I'm told by the locals, is pronounced "Singh" - presumably it has a silent "a". Well it's your beer - why did you put the "a" there if you're not going to pronounce it?

Still, who am I to talk about language rules. We have: where, wear, and we're; Canowindra; gaol; though, through, and thought; and a few hundred other weird and wonderful English names and words.

But it's not just the tones, it's also the grammar. When you listen to ex-pats who have been here for a while - and they tell me this themselves - you can hear them talking in Thai grammar, even when they're talking English.

To try it out yourself, just stop using pronouns, and forget all about past and future tense, to say nothing of future continuous, past perfect, etc ("yippee, when do I start" I hear some of you shout). Here's an example of what it may sound like.

If your English friend were to offer you a drink, and you were to decline, it would go something like this:
"I say old chap, care for a spot of Pimms?"
"Oh, thanks awfully old bean, but perhaps later, what?"

In Thai, the same conversation - translated literally into English - goes something like this:
"Drink, yes?"
"Not want, thanks."

And the thanks on the end is the ever present "khup" for men and "kha" for women. It's like a swiss army knife - 1000 uses in one word. If in doubt, pull out khup/kha and it's bound to work.

Khup for listening khup.

D.

The good book and anarchy on the streets

He who hesitates is lost.

It says that in the "good book" somewhere - I can't remember where, but I'm sure the Lord was trying to cross a street in Bangkok when he said it.

I discovered on my way to the office this morning that even a pedestrian crossing doesn't mean that you can cross the road without dodging traffic. I say dodging, because if I'd waited for a break in the traffic to cross, I'd still be standing there.

Another saying you might apply to the roads in Bangkok is "The rules are, there are no rules!" Motorcyclists without helmets, cars turning in front of other cars when they're tired of waiting (as opposed to having right of way), motorcyclists going the wrong way down the street, motorcyclists riding on the footpath ...

But no-one seems to care. The lack of a system works, because there is no system. Everyone knows there are no rules, so everyone's happy. It's an anarchist's dream.

There are police though. They direct traffic here and there, though even they don't seem to bother when a random motorist flaunts the rules or turns when he hasn't been waved through. Though the guide books tell us that it's one thing for your locals to go whizzing around without a helmet on, or piling their family of six onto a Vespa, but if the paisty tourist tries it on, they might find themselves slapped with a fine.

And fair enough I think. You don't want every half-wit Aussie who's ever wanted to tear around the streets without a helmet on and four of his mates on the back of a Honda turning up to your country, do you? Oh - too late.

Here's my random Thai fact for today, which I learnt studying a wonderful website called www.Phuket.com: It's very offensive to show your feet - or to do anything other than walk or stand, with your feet - I already knew that. But because of this, it's drastically offensive to stomp on a 1000 Baht note that you've dropped and is flying away down the street! Why? Because like all Thai money, it has a picture of the King on it! And showing disrespect to the Thai Royal Family is a crime.

A little different from the stuff we throw around about Charles, Camilla, Fergie and the rest of them.

D.